Lifesavers Guide to WW3

Important Note: Listen to the song “Windowsill” by Arcade Fire.

As you all know, World War III is just around the corner. It’s tragic, but after several more world wars, there will be a flash of green light and the world will spontaneously combust leaving behind a little green globule (a small spherical mass, like a small drop of liquid) that will float away into the vast mysteries of the universe. Now, the question we should all be pondering over is how to best prepare for the inevitable series of events.

At present, we are experiencing a global war on terrorism. Unfortunately, due to the mishandling of the war, the west will no longer be seen as the protectors of the world, and with the unpopularity of the war, there will be growing social and religious extremism. Over the next few years, the war on terrorism will gradually lead us to another major showdown, World War III.

This conflict will arise due to political and social tensions between the dominant western powers (i.e. the US and major EU nations) and the rising countries of the east (i.e. China, Japan and India). Once the underlying tensions overflow, a crazy person will shoot an ostrich and the fight for global supremacy will begin.

The Beasts of the East vs. The Best of the West

Before you can prepare yourselves for this war, it is important to understand what may occur before, during and after the war. Most of what I am presenting in this LifeSavers Guide is 80% true, but you are warned to use my guide at your own risk. It’s a matter of life and death, and I do not wish to be held accountable for anyone’s unfortunate and sad demise.

Before the WWIII, there will be growing concerns for lack of oil, water and clean air. Small conflicts will arise around the world without any resolutions. Scientists will work incessantly to invent alternatives to oil, water and breathable oxygen. Some outrageous inventions will be created but nothing will prove to replace the originals. Eventually, the government will impose restrictions on everything, including breathing. Normal oxygen intake for any human being is around 12 to 20 breaths per minute, but governments around the world will set a limit of 10 to 12 breaths per minute. Consequently, worldwide strikes will erupt and people will hit the streets to complain to their respective politicians about rising oil prices, water shortages and not being able to breathe. Politicians will blame other rival countries (i.e. US blaming China & China blaming US) for the amounts of oil and water used by their mass producing corporations which create the high levels of pollution leading to greater global warming and less breathing. As a result, the growing international tensions and demand for energy solutions will lead to World War III.

Preparations for WWIII will begin as the Western team (major players being US and EU) will draft its soldiers from the weak South Americans and the poorer European nations, while the Eastern team (major players being China, Japan, India) will build an army from its billions of citizens in China and India. Now, you are wondering, “Yasser, what about the Middle East and Africa, whose side would they take, what would their role be in WWIII?” Answer: They will side with no team because the unfortunate certainty is that the Middle East and Africa is where the land warfare will take. Both teams, beasts of east and best of west, will discuss some ground rules for WWIII. One such rule will be that the less worthy lands of the Middle East and Africa should be used for this noble and just war because it would be financially detrimental if they were to fight on each other’s home soil. Therefore, after the military preparations, the troops will strategically position themselves in Arab and African lands, and both teams will wait for the other to make the first move. No nation would want to go down in history as having started a war.

I have conducted some intense research on all topics related to modern, nuclear and futuristic warfare, and after running various complex computer simulations, I have generated several predictions of how the WWIII will take place. The most believable and likely scenario of the war is the following:

After diplomatic discussions lead to no resolutions, the two teams, east and west, will exchange some heavy verbal jibes at each other. The highly trained and overly equipped western soldier will insult the east for its backward living ways and limited freedoms. The poor scrawny down-to-earth eastern soldier will insult the west for its money-wasting flamboyant ways. These insults may not be appropriate for each and every country but they will cover the general east and west regions. After several weeks of verbal taunting, the war will mistakenly set off after a guy called Archie Duke shoots an ostrich because he was hungry. The outrage for killing a poor old ostrich will lead to the Americans and the Chinese exchanging nuclear bombs. Millions of people will die – in Africa and in the Middle East.

It’s worth mentioning that according to my calculations, World War III will last approximately three minutes and forty-seven seconds, which will also include a ‘peace treaty’. There will be no clear winner – and the losers will be the millions who died – but both teams will claim mental strategic victory for diverting the attention of their respective citizens away from the daily problems of high oil prices, water shortages and lack of clean air. Naïve and simple people of this world will become preoccupied by the aftermath of the war, as they will try to recuperate mentally and physically. People living in the developed Western countries and the rising Eastern countries will continue on with life trying to build more prosperous societies whilst people living in African, Middle Eastern and South American countries will be left stranded, alone and without hope.

Some suggestions to prepare for WWIII:

1. Live in New Zealand. It’s a small, unimportant but peaceful country. They are placed away from the rest of the world and not as important as Australia, so the country is not prone to any violence or terroristic attacks.

2. For the four minutes of WWIII, get in a safe nuclear protective bunker, make sure you are warm and cozy, boil some chicken soup for the soul, clear your head from thoughts of war, poverty, famine, hunger, disease, and global warming…finally, put on your headphones and listen to the song “Windowsill” by Arcade Fire.

3. Keep a diary before, during, and after the war because your writings and personal reflections on the war will be significant towards history. Also, you will be helping out historians who will be grateful to you for giving them some work, something to analyze.

The upcoming war is a sad certainty. Even though there is so much love, peace, and harmony amongst the good people of Mother Earth, there are those elite evil individuals who will not allow the ordinary people to lead their simple blissful lives. Who knows how many people will survive the next world war, but once the bombing ends and people come out of their shelters, it is important for the survivors to regain hope and trust in humankind.

The reason why I listed “writing a diary” as a preparation for the war is because journals will remind people about love, peace and pancakes. Personally, I have kept a diary for several years because I believe somewhere down the line, after WWIII or WWIV, there will be a Vietnamese child sitting in Africa who will magically unearth my diary from the rich soils of Burkina Faso. He will read my diary and with every fascinating and stimulating entry about life he will conclude that “Yasser Puri was an okay guy, life was good back then and it’s all about the pancakes.” Eventually, my diary will become popular amongst the Vietnamese refugee children of Africa and they will use their one and only existing computer and printer to publish more copies of my diary. They will print my journal entries, compile them and publish them in an Anne Frank manner. The finished product will be “Yasser Puri: The Diary of an Okay Guy”, which will be translated into hundreds of languages and distributed all around the world. People will love my diary for all its deep reflections and warm emotions towards the human race. “Everyone has some good in them.” At the end of these international conflicts, my diary will once again unite the world! People will remember the good-old days of love, peace and pancakes.

This article has been brought to you by LifeSavers.

Onward and upward baby!

Baldrick: “The poor old ostrich died for nothing!”